We are very upset here in BH to hear about S Korea’s plans to start whaling. I wonder if we can help? The Borstal Heath WhaSp (Whale Spearing) Group really does understand the basic human desire to hunt large prey, bring them down and revel in bloodlust – its only natural! But being committed to the preservation of wildlife we have come up with a community friendly way of doing all those things and not harming any cetaceans in the process. Perhaps if the whaling nations had a go at our activities then the problem could be solved?
This is what we do. At a given secret signal (which I am afraid must remain secret for reasons which will become obvious as you read on) the WhaSps gather on a dark night when there is no moon in Burt “The Only Gay in the Village” Winterbottom’s shed. We dress in black and wear slippers so that we can creep along the silent streets undetected. Burt then works out the exact time for an evening of hunting. It is based on a complex formula taking into account the state of the moon, the constellation of Leo and the tide times in Prestatyn. Why Prestatyn? Well BH, as you know, is landlocked and we have no tides of our own, however most of us spend our summer holidays in this rather lovely N Wales town, so it seems like a good a place as any.
When the time has been fixed we all select our weapons (cattle prods) and rather like the Three Musketeers we form a circle, hold them upright with the tips touching and chant our motto “All for one, one for all, may the blubber rise and fall!”
The night itself is very exciting. It is usually a Friday or Saturday when the BH chip shop is packed. We WhaSps position ourselves behind recycling bins and lamp posts and wait. Our signal is a war cry from Burt and as all the blubber buckets of BH waddle out of the chip shop we race towards them, prodding like mad and whooping in delight. My you should see the mayhem! Burt may proudly hold the title “The Only Gay in the Village” – though to be honest I doubt this is true – but boy is he fierce with a cattle prod. He is the founding member of the BH Embroidery Group but is ruthless. It is most stimulating to watch these vast mammals floundering helplessly on the pavement. In one particularly ugly scene last whaling night Beefy Betty crashed down onto poor old Beryl’s ginger pussy. That would have satisfied the bloodlust of any hardened whaler.
Of course no harm is done. Later that night, when we have finished collecting the last few “whales” from casualty, we WhaSps and whales all meet at the Dog and Fiddle for a bonding pint and all is forgiven. How we laugh! Even the poor puss recovered, although she seems a little bent if looked at from certain angles.
And isn’t WhaSps a good name – we really are rather a nuisance!
Actually the BH WhaSps Group will be going to the 2 day WhaleFest on the weekend of Sat 27th and Sun 28th October in Brighton. 30 years on from the start of Save the Whale this should be quite an event and well worth celebrating. We have been invited to showcase our alternative whaling activities there, so do come along and have a go yourselves – no charge. Beefy Betty and Mike the Mountain have offered their services, which is jolly sporting of them. They will trott around a room and “whalers” will line the walls and try to prod them to the ground. Not as easy as you might think! They are surprisingly nifty.
And by the way, if any whaling nations would like to discuss with us how to adapt wonderful event to their own cultures (not everywhere has chip shops I’m told) then please do get in touch, we can use BabelFish for translation. Happy Whale Free Hunting!